I caught the later bus this morning. I haven't been on this bus before I think. Well, I might have been on that particular bus I guess, but not at that specific time. The bus is full and I glance around looking for a seat. I notice that everyone seems so unhappy and that saddens me. I found a seat beside a young girl carrying a bright green binder and her cell phone. Do they call those hand-held items cell phones anymore? The are more like little personal devices that form an extra appendage off the hand. Anyway, the bright green binder was resting on the available seat and I stood there and waited for her to put the binder in her lap so that I could sit. She seemed unimpressed with the whole deal, but I didn't care. The bus lumbered along, heading downtown. I took the time to look around me. People don't take enough time to look around them, do they? They are so intent on staring at their appendage in their hand. I don't know that I've been anywhere where I didn't see someone looking down in their hands. It's weird. There's no personal interaction anymore but I suppose this is to my advantage: I can people-watch to my heart's content.
There's one specific woman who has caught my attention. She's Muslim, I guessed, based on her headdress and scarf. She's my age I figured, with a beautiful face. She looks tired though and I begin to wonder about her life. Children? Husband? A job? Is she happy in our country? She's carrying a school bag - does she go to school? What is she taking? Is she succeeding? The green-binder appendage-hand girl rings the bell. She's getting off at the UofW. Good luck to you sweetie, I think. Be sure to turn your phone off in class; there's nothing that pisses the profs off more than cell phones in class. I move over into the now vacant seat and the Muslim woman sits beside me. She smells of bacon and I'm reminded of Sunday morning pancakes, bacon, and freshly ground coffee. Oh yum. I wonder if she makes big breakfasts for her family every morning. I decide that she has 3 school age children. I'm sure they are adorable. I want to ask my seatmate about her life. Tell me about you, I want to say although I don't though. People don't talk on the bus.
My stop is next so I give my head a mental shake and focus on my day.
I am not in school this year and I miss it so much. I've spent hours and hours in the backroom pouring over books and stressing over papers, trying to figure out if what I have done is good or if it's just good enough. I've taken the year off during the law school application process and accepted a position at a local vocational college instructing students on how to become legal assistants. As I walk to the college I think of this professor I had once who said to the class: "Your parents have made you believe you can be anything you want to be. It's my job to bring you back to reality." Her statement really pissed me off at the time. I though it extremely irresponsible to be telling young people that they couldn't dream. How dare she! But now that I too am an "educator", I have to admit that I get it now. You either have it or you don't. It's my job to bring these students back to reality. This same professor has influenced me so much over the past year even though she has no clue of it. I think of her often. I really should email her and tell her that one of these days.
I don't know if I want law school anymore. What a CRAZY thing to say, I know. I have worked so hard over the past few years for this. If I could be anything, do anything, I would be a professional student. I would go to school forever. I miss going to the U, sitting in class, learning how to think in an entirely different way, being open to opinions and thoughts of others, and thinking to myself oh my god, I never thought of it that way before! You know what scares me? I teach students everyday about the world of lawyers and it has dawned on me that I want to BE one of them? I've told myself for years that I will be different; I won't be like them. I won't be money-hungry. I won't work like a dog. I won't be anal-minded and eccentric. I will make sure I have a life outside of the law! Who am I kidding? I know what lawyers are like; I've worked with them for 18 years for Christ sake! Is that the life I want? More importantly, do I want to spend $45,000 over the next 3 years and decide that it's NOT??
I like the education system. It's fascinating to me. I like that I'm not sitting in an office pumping out work like some sort of machine. I feel like I'm making some sort of impact on the world, even if it's just resulting in a few great legal assistants. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? No, I want to be a professional student forever. That would be my dream job. In the meantime I am loving and hating my period of self-discovery. I have a classroom full of amazing students right now. They are bright, eager, and so much fun to hang out with. They accept my imperfections and my answers of "You know, that's a really good question. Let me look into it and let you know.", because I really don't have all the answers. They make me laugh with their humour and they have really influenced the kind of person I want to be. They make me happy.
Life sure is interesting as you age and grow. My 20's were all about selfishness; 30's about self-discovery. Will my 40's finally be about contentment? Jesus, I hope so.
Till next time, my friends....
M.
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