Things I have learned since Sunday, May 29, 2011

1.  ESC.  I could give you all the key aspects of the Manitoba Employment Standards Code backwards, forwards, or in alphabetical order if you so wish.

2.  LABR 1260.  All the highlights of my instructor's life, including how and where she met her husband, her employment history, how many siblings she has.  I can tell you what her parents did for a living, how old she is, her thoughts on unions, her thoughts on Gary Filmon, and what her favourite ice cream is.

3.  GOLFING.  Real Golfing.  Like, at a real golf course with a club house, an assortment of golf clubs in these fancy bags, and beer that comes around on a truck.  I went to my first corporate golf tournament with work this week.  Here's what I learned:

a)  One must wear flats.
b)  The beer cart doesn't come around until the 3rd or 4th hole.  You're fucked until then.
c)  The ball doesn't always move when you swing. 
d)  I spent more time flinging pieces of grass around than I did my ball.
e)  Swinging with a smoke hanging out of your mouth isn't very conducive to achieving the proper "form".
f)  Playing texas scramble rules doesn't necessarily make the game any quicker.
g)  Throwing the ball is actually more effective than using a club.
h)  FYI:  The "P" club doesn't mean "The Putter".  It's the "Pitching Wedge".  Duh.
i)  Sun screen is strongly recommended.
j)  Your teammates might become a little frustrated if you become distracted by baby ducks and pretty butterflies.  Keep your head in the game no matter how utterly boring.
k)  And finally, 9 holes of golf played my way takes approximately 4 hours.  I was exhausted after 30 minutes.

4.  15 Year Old Man Childs.  Teenagers are just never happy.  Ever.  See previous post.  He's remains "free to good home".  He's at that age where the possibility of getting into some trouble is just that much greater.  So, to be on the safe side I had a "talk" all ready.  Here's an excerpt of texts we recently exchanged:

Me:  "Hey, can you be home by 2 after your exam?  We need to talk."
Him:  "bout what?"
Me:  "Drugs and the effects it has on your brain."
Him:  "Will there be a powerpoint presentation too?"

Smartass.

5.  2011 New Years Resolutions.  I've learned that it's impossible for me to lost 20 lbs, so I've decided to try and accept the fact that I will never, ever be slim.  Like, ever.  Pass the bread basket my way?  Thanks.

6.  New House?  Nope, not here.  There was some excitement in the Muir household over the past month while we discussed the merits of buying "bigger and better".  I say, no way man!  I don't wanna move. I like my life just the way it is, thank you very much. So we're not.  For now.

7.  Booze.  I learned that I suffer BAD if I don't pop an allergy pill before I drink.  And for a chick like me who has a very fond appreciation for The Drink, I ought to buy me some shares in Reactine or Allegra.

8.  Pride, 2011.  Me and the girls hit Pride again this year. I learned that gay men love to discuss clothes and shoes.  It was the coolest time.

9. The Winnipeg Jets.  We have a hockey team and they now have a name.  I'm so thrilled.  I wonder when my tax dollars are going to start paying the salaries.

10.  And Finally, Zero Gravity Chairs.  I learned that these are the coolest lawnchairs, like, ever!

**********

Putting a call out for suggestions for summer time reading.  I'm looking for light 'n fluffy.  Barbara Delinsky or Nora Roberts type.  I have 2 months with no required readings. I'm going to be living at my local library for the next little while.  I'm terribly excited by this prospect.  Bring it on.